Hidden Struggles: Navigating Relationships within Families with LGBTQ+ Youth in Azerbaijan

There remains an abundance of prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community in Azerbaijan, and it is still difficult to exist without being judged in today's society. ILGA 2023 Research states that a sizable segment of Azerbaijani society has negative views against LGBTQ+ people, which makes it extremely difficult to defend their rights and advocate for equal treatment. This problem is made worse by the government's unwillingness to pass legislation protecting LGBTQ+ rights and the fact that LGBTQ+ communities lack recognition as a social group. In light of these challenges, what are the obstacles that Azerbaijani families of LGBTQ+ individuals have to overcome?

Parents and other family members of LGBTQ+ people often face discrimination in various social settings in Azerbaijan. These problems occur largely due to society's negative judgment towards the LGBTQ+ community. Social norms accepted in Azerbaijan play a significant role in shaping the negative stigma against LGBTQ+ people. Some parents do not accept their queer kids. Those who accept them, generally face even more challenges, receiving society's harsh reactions and judgment. Accepting parents of queer youth have to fight for their kids' rights and protect them against negative social attitudes. Those parents who stand with their queer kids may also have to support them in cases of unemployment, economic hardship, social discrimination, and bullying.

In an online, non-statistically-representative survey conducted for this article, 100 Azerbaijani queer people answered questions about their relationships with family members. According to the results, 51.5% of respondents expressed that their family's reaction to their coming-outs was negative (Figure 1). 36.1% of respondents thought that their parents’ homophobic reaction was due to social pressure and fear of humiliation (Figure 2).

Fading Family Bonds

Despite the overwhelming negative attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people in Azerbaijan from the state, society, and families, there are some families that do accept their queer kids. However, the socio-economic situation and political environment of the country prevent the queer community from becoming more politically engaged. These limitations help create/reproduce a conservative society. Traditional and religious beliefs make it harder for queer people to be accepted by society. These beliefs can be a huge barrier among family members. Legal frameworks and violations of LGBTQ+ rights can affect family relations as well. Due to the non-inclusive laws and norms of the country, individuals face difficulties within their families, and the bonds between family members tend to fade.

One such example is 33-year-old Agca , the sister of a queer person. Agca is married and has two children. She says her first reaction when her sibling came out to her as queer was one of shock. She didn't even know what “queer” meant.

“I was very upset, I cried when I understood what it was. When they first came out to me, the only thing that came to my mind was about sex, I kept thinking that the person I thought of as my brother would have sex with another boy. I thought they were a child, and someone taught them, or they learned something, that’s why they were talking like that. This matter in my mind was all about selling your body for money. As time went by, I realized that this was not the case. When they came out, it was the first time that I raised my voice at them. I was shouting at them to go to the doctor, I was telling them that someone had been teaching them something bad. My father even said that he wanted to kill my sibling. Maybe hysteria was causing him to say it, so we tried to calm him down. When it comes to my mother, all she was doing was to constantly cry.”

55-year-old Sabina also experienced a lack of communication and attempted to silence her child. Sabina has three children; she says that she never felt or thought that her child was queer. Her child first came out to their schoolmates. Right after that, the whole school was talking about it. “I found out about it after learning that they were being bullied at school. When they were a kid, they played with girls, and I thought it was quite normal. When my husband found out, he hit them. I saw how scared they were at that moment, and after that day I felt that they were becoming aggressive. Until that time, there was a deep bond between them and me, they would always be by my side, but after that incident, we grew apart. We were often arguing over small things. When they first came out as queer, we couldn’t accept it. For a long time, we denied it, it was strange to us. I couldn’t accept the fact that it could be genetic [the parent’s opinion]. I was trying to think that it had something to do with some mental condition.”

Sabina says that her husband had a stroke. As a result, the financial burden of their family fell on her shoulders. Therefore, she often had to leave her child alone at home. “It still echoes in my ears that they were saying ‘Don't leave me alone.’ We didn't have any other financial support, so I had to leave them alone. He started to socialize on social media. Then I realized that they were developing determination to fight and resist. They were lonely or isolated, and I didn't notice it for a really long time.”

Agca’s family took away their kid’s phone to discipline them. They even sent their kid to live with their relatives in another country, so that the kid would be isolated from everyone they knew in the community. When she remembers those days, she gets sad. While sipping her tea, she recalls, “I remember taking their phone secretly. They were talking to a girl who was a lesbian. I secretly wrote her number down and called the girl. And the girl told me very clearly that my sibling was not what we thought they were, she said my sibling likes boys. At that time, I was very scared. My sibling and I started to grow cold toward each other and our relationship fell apart; they were rightfully angry that we didn't understand them. I kept denying it, saying that it couldn’t be real. They were always staying away from us. They weren't talking to us, they reacted aggressively to everything we said. We were trying to fix them and saying that this would cause problems for them. We were telling them that they had friends who influenced them negatively. He went even further and wanted to bring his friends home or to meet with them often in the city, that was when we opposed my sibling more aggressively. We told them to get out of our house if that was the case. And they did leave our house.”

49-year-old Lala has accepted her trans daughter’s identity much more smoothly. She lives in Sumgait city. She says that her daughter did not say anything to her, Lala herself saw pictures of her. “I didn’t see her on the street, she didn’t even tell me about it. So, I was a little surprised. I could not understand how a boy could change so suddenly when he reached puberty. There was nothing negative going on. I did not even feel like it was something very terrible. Over time, you get used to it anyway. But you are aware that other people and relatives will not accept it. I didn’t care about them. I just wanted her to live her life comfortably. I didn’t see it as a ‘global’ problem. I don’t deny that sometimes I get angry with some of her actions, but I think getting angry was normal for the first time.” Lala says that she tried hard to get her daughter to be with her. However, they still couldn't make the mother-daughter relationship work. Her daughter always felt uncomfortable around her. So, her daughter also left home and moved to Baku. “I used to say to her that I raised a child to be right next to me, to help me, but you are running away from me. She could not find a job in the city where we live because she had already started transitioning. The people of Sumgait City are not open-minded at all when it comes to these kinds of things. On the other hand, her unemployment takes her even farther. But this aggressiveness did not turn into any type of insult. I was simply shocked that something like this could happen to me. Maybe I made my feelings so obvious that she left the house."

Agca’s sibling has been living on their own for more than three years. In the first year, Agca secretly followed them on social media. The first time she saw pictures of them in a skirt, she felt very disappointed. “I was trying to understand why they did that. I was making up different excuses for myself, saying that maybe they were doing this for attention. Because when they were with us, they weren't very feminine, or they didn't wear skirts. We started texting from time to time. Slowly we warmed up to each other. My mother-in-law and my husband were supportive of fixing our relationship with my sibling. My husband always said that you should not grow apart from them. We were scared that they would get themselves hurt. But there was a huge denial in the family. We were thinking that they weren't queer, just that they were forcing themselves to act like that. At home, no one really spoke about it openly, we constantly censored our words. I was worrying that someone would beat them. At first, I told myself that I didn't care, but I realized that no, I couldn’t even stand the thought of it. That’s why I started discussing it with my mother and I tried to convince my family."

Sabina thinks that the reason why her relationship with her child deteriorated was a mutual misunderstanding and lack of communication. “I felt that they couldn’t understand me. Honestly, I can’t claim that I understand them either. They were being harsh with all of us, maybe it was because of our attempt to restrain them. Their different interests and points of view separated us. We became bitter towards each other. Where did we go wrong? Frankly, I couldn’t find an answer to this question for a long time. I regret not being able to give them the love they needed. When I saw a happy family, I felt lonely, sorry, tearful. My dreams about them were shattered. I was disappointed, it felt as if all my life problems were coming together. I was even accused of making my child queer. They blamed me as if I had committed a great sin. I was accused of not being able to raise my child well enough.”

Social Isolation and Marginalization

Isolation by society, criticism from relatives and neighbors, and lack of support systems are among the main problems families with LGBTQ+ members face. Neighbors, relatives, and even friends avoid interacting with LGBTQ+ families. Most people think that LGBTQ+ people and their accepting families are damaging to traditional values and so is everyone who communicates with them. Fear of not being accepted in/by society leads some families to withdraw themselves from social activities.

Agca says, “My sibling is queer, and they chose to live openly. They expressed their queer identity openly with their clothes, the places they went to, and their friends. That’s how everyone knew. Our relatives started telling us to kill them, and some of them insisted we force my sibling to abandon our surname. One of them said that we shouldn’t accept such a person. They said if my sibling was at home, then they would not come to visit. I began to think, what would I do if my children came out to me? Would I disown them? Of course not. On the contrary, I would try to help them live more comfortably. As someone who believes in God, I believe that God loves everyone with their differences. If this is considered as damage, I started to realize that this damage might only be to themselves. After all, what harm does it do to anyone?!"

Sabina is one of the mothers who is verbally discriminated against by her society because of her child being queer. “I tried to express myself and explain the situation to my relatives. But they didn’t understand me. Honestly, I don’t expect them to understand. Of course, I would not want to experience these emotions. I realized that I did not deserve what I experienced. They were telling me to disown my child. I resisted and told them that I wanted to cut off contact with them. I couldn’t let them judge my child. The neighbors, on the other hand, didn’t blame me, they knew me as a conservative person. I cannot say that I have faced negative reactions from them. However, they targeted my child, not me."

Lala, a mother with a trans daughter, was one of those who were criticized by her relatives. Lala’s mother said that she should not let her child come home if she did not “get better.” “The neighbors didn’t even know about my daughter’s trans identity. But relatives found out. Before the transition, my daughter’s relationship with her uncles was non-existent. Relatives did not greet her. After the transition, her relationship with her younger uncle improved very quickly, as her family has already begun to see her as a ‘real woman.’ The other uncle did not even meet her when she paid us a visit. I see my relatives react negatively to other LGBTQ+ individuals, and inevitably, I wonder if it could happen to my own child. That’s why I feel worried for her and always try to moderate the relationship between my daughter and our relatives.”

For the relatives of some trans people, if you physically “look like” the gender that you are identifying, they will be accepting. They want her to be “fully a man” or “fully a woman.” No in-between. Some relatives’ relationships with Lala’s daughter have improved after her transition.

Agca says that after her family accepted her sibling as a queer person, there were sharp reactions from those around her: “Even though our neighbors didn’t say anything to us, we could hear them talking behind our backs, questioning why we couldn't keep my sibling under control. They asked why we still talk to them and let them come home. They started looking at us as shameless people. One of our relatives said that we should be ashamed to support them, and that my other siblings would look at them and eventually be like them. In response to all of them, I told them every socially unacceptable thing that they had done. I still try hard to silence them all. We also get a lot of negative reactions on social media. My sibling has previously given interviews to several media agencies about being LGBTQ+, because of this, our family was constantly insulted and all our relatives learned about it. I still fight on social media every day. Every day I react to the comments of homophobic people and I argue with them. I’m not just doing this to protect my sibling, I’m doing it to protect everyone.”

Families Call for Solidarity

Agca emphasizes that if there were psychologists working on this topic and working with families, it would have a better effect on improving their well-being. She says that as families, they need to be able to maintain togetherness. They need to be heard, to convey their voices to other families.

Sabina says that she knows that there are more individuals like her children in Azerbaijan and that it is easier to be accepted when she knows this. “Queers are not alone, you need to know that. You don’t need to run away or hide from them. I want to ask my community not to break our children’s spirits."

Lala also adds that nothing will change whether parents react positively or negatively. Therefore, parents should accept their children. “I will never understand parents who abandon their children. After all, I am a mother and she is my child. Just listen to your kids and hold onto them.”

Since 2020, the Gender Resource Center (GRC) has been engaging in providing psycho-social support to LGBTQ+ people in Azerbaijan. Khatun Karimova, a social worker from GRC, says that they are approached with various issues: unemployment, problems related to military service, and psychological support. Many cases intersect with each other and point towards family problems.

“How long can we expect an individual to endure not being understood and not being listened to, feeling alone and unsupported, being pressured just because of their choice of self-expression?” – Khatun asks.

“Queer youths who use our services often work to understand what is causing their family’s feelings and thoughts. Families, on the other hand, do not try at all to understand their queer kids, and dictate that the other party should change and that this change will be better for them. This difficulty and compulsion in open communication increases tension even more.” – Khatun concludes.

Khatun Karimova adds that lack of knowledge, fear of losing social status, trying to raise a child in the only way that they know, lack of open communication, and wanting to raise a child according to the society they have adapted to make individuals believe that they cannot be a family if their child does not match their ideals.

Conclusion

In conclusion, LGBTQ+ youth and their relationships with their family members often deal with problems and emotional turmoil. Stories included in this article are both reflecting the harsh realities and small victories of families who accept their LGBTQ+ kids. Prejudice of surrounding society and the lack of legal protection can make social acceptance costly. Even though some family members like Agca, Sabina, and Lala show tolerance, most are being criticized by both their own relatives and others. Solidarity within the community, open communication, and support from society are essential factors in understanding and accepting differences. Azerbaijan is still fighting against discrimination and human rights problems; therefore, it’s necessary for our society to realize the importance of accepting and respecting every individual regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
 

The Content of the Publication is the sole responsibility of the author and can in no way be taken to reflect the views of the Heinrich Boell Foundation Tbilisi Office - South Caucasus Region